Sorry for my Dave Chappelle-like leave of absence, but I'm back on the blog, However my new laptop doesn't have Microsoft Word soooo no spell checkactually all forms of editing and font changing are gone. So what have I been up to besides the constant party that is my lifeI have been working and watching my company spiral into an Enron-isk cluster fuck, and traveling I love traveling cause lifes just different where ever you go.
Yesterday was my family reunion no one went correction my grandmother went.
Convo with grandma tonights before:
Grandma: child clean out your voicemail box, how does it get full.
Whitney: hows the reunion coming
Grandma: okay, no one is coming, Lil Steve (my cousin married two kids) isn't coming because he's afraid Charlene will be there and she hasn't been taking her meds
Note: WHO is Charlene? you ask thats right Steve's Clinically Diagnosed Manic Mother who brought you such great meltdowns like the Ruby Tuesday incident of 2005, or the Cookout Cussout of 2002 (It was here my grandmother created the "That crazy bitch is not allowed in my house Ordinance").
Whitney: if Charlene comes i'll go
Grandma: and lil mike (my brother) has to work and lord knows we want him to keep THIS job so I told him to work, work all day and all night
Grandma: dwayne and mike (my nephew and father) both have to work as well, and I just dont think your mother wants to go.
Grandma: Katrina (my cousin WHO CO-Planned it) isn't coming either.
Grandma: I'll put you on speaker phone if Charlene comes.
So long story short I ditched my family to tailgate at the Steelers Redskins game.
Dont you dare judge me
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sch-NIG-dler's List
Soooooo I was watching VH1 yesterday and I had to make sure it wasn’t BET. I mean after all I could have sworn BET had all the copyrights to modern day minstrel shows. It got me thinking WHAT THE FUCK. During the same time period of Denzel, Barack, Oprah making history, HOWEVER we also have the Flavor Flav empire, fucking P. Diddy, and my personal favorite music from Atlanta. So I have composed a list my TOP TEN REASONS MLK is doing back flips in his grave.
10.) Jesse Jackson so close BUT so far, first of all he’s reverend meaning a certain amount of peace and tranquility. So please ANGRY Jesse please sit down. And yes okay you were clearly jealous of Obama no one blames you for that BUT SERIOUSLY you FUCKASS you were on fucking CNN even Keisha Cole knows her shits gonna be on air.
9.) Kanye West I know he’s richer than I may ever be, BUT I gots my degree. You actually have an album entitled “College Drop Out” where you promote DROPPING OUT….real good Kanye…maybe she wanted have dumped you if you had that sheep skin. HA…HA Bitch. P.S. I wouldn’t have wrote this if your last C.D. didn’t SUCK. P.S.S. 50 cent would win in a first, I’m not a fan of him either but he’s jacked he can do it.
8.) Soul Plane………..ummmm the movie taught me that Colt 45 + Sprite = Champagne.
7.) Snakes on a Plane…..Slightly worse because Soul Plane was made for BET movie, but this one had Samuel Jackson. The nigger was just in Star Wars with a BIG part, I mean does he gamble does he have back child support WHY THE FUCK DOES SAMUEL L. JACKSON take every fucking role he gets. You were in Pulp Fiction, A Time to Kill, Coming to America classic successes, but you were also in Deep Blue Sea (good movie but the way they killed him DAMN!), Snakes on a Plane, Unbreakable (this movie actually gave me diarrhea), and The Man (it had Eugene Levy that may not even be the real name of the movie I dunno).
6.) The black kid with the dreds from Kidz Bop just stop you have rhythm you look like buckwheat JUST STOP.
5.) Maury……JUST raise the kid yourself HE AIN’T GOT A job, your not gonna get child support so SPARE THE WORLD.
4.) The Perfect Holiday ……watch it and try to disagree.
3.) I Love New York…….THIS BITCH Tiffani OMG! I am gonna make it my point in life to become I love New York slayer instead of steak through the Heart, I just need a pair of scissors to the Weave. This hateful bitches new show is about her getting jobs one of which is a Flight Attendant, if this bitch were on my plane I would wait til 20,000 ft and pull the emergency hatch the 30-50 people that would die would be worth ridding the world of this Cum Dumpster of life. I really don’t like here.
2.) Music from Atlanta/Other places:
Stanky Leg- Yes the Butterfly for the crippled people of the world.
Shake that Laffy Taffy and Coffee Shop- Great now I can’t walk into Starbucks or a Candy Store without thinking of Pussy and Crack.
Soulija Boy- I get outta bed turn my Swag on, I think that all the Soulija Boy hate stems from the fact I spent 4 years getting a physics degree when I could spent 10 min writing a rap song on a piece of toilet paper.
Chicken Noddle Soup- Its one of those songs that you hope is a reference to Pussy or Crack but OH NO! its not.
1.) Making the Band – Sending negroes all around NYC to “pay their dues” when everyone knows Diddy got famous by Biggy Smalls’ death. I’m gonna have a show Making the Band 5: Assassinate Diddy. 10 contestants, 10 guns, 1 shot at stardom LITERALLY. Have you watch this shit Danity Kane is down to like two ppl, and Day 26 was either beating the shit out of each other or crying, WHY IS DIDDY RICH.
0.) YOOOUUUUU GUESSED Prince George’s County. I really just do this to make people angry.
DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!
10.) Jesse Jackson so close BUT so far, first of all he’s reverend meaning a certain amount of peace and tranquility. So please ANGRY Jesse please sit down. And yes okay you were clearly jealous of Obama no one blames you for that BUT SERIOUSLY you FUCKASS you were on fucking CNN even Keisha Cole knows her shits gonna be on air.
9.) Kanye West I know he’s richer than I may ever be, BUT I gots my degree. You actually have an album entitled “College Drop Out” where you promote DROPPING OUT….real good Kanye…maybe she wanted have dumped you if you had that sheep skin. HA…HA Bitch. P.S. I wouldn’t have wrote this if your last C.D. didn’t SUCK. P.S.S. 50 cent would win in a first, I’m not a fan of him either but he’s jacked he can do it.
8.) Soul Plane………..ummmm the movie taught me that Colt 45 + Sprite = Champagne.
7.) Snakes on a Plane…..Slightly worse because Soul Plane was made for BET movie, but this one had Samuel Jackson. The nigger was just in Star Wars with a BIG part, I mean does he gamble does he have back child support WHY THE FUCK DOES SAMUEL L. JACKSON take every fucking role he gets. You were in Pulp Fiction, A Time to Kill, Coming to America classic successes, but you were also in Deep Blue Sea (good movie but the way they killed him DAMN!), Snakes on a Plane, Unbreakable (this movie actually gave me diarrhea), and The Man (it had Eugene Levy that may not even be the real name of the movie I dunno).
6.) The black kid with the dreds from Kidz Bop just stop you have rhythm you look like buckwheat JUST STOP.
5.) Maury……JUST raise the kid yourself HE AIN’T GOT A job, your not gonna get child support so SPARE THE WORLD.
4.) The Perfect Holiday ……watch it and try to disagree.
3.) I Love New York…….THIS BITCH Tiffani OMG! I am gonna make it my point in life to become I love New York slayer instead of steak through the Heart, I just need a pair of scissors to the Weave. This hateful bitches new show is about her getting jobs one of which is a Flight Attendant, if this bitch were on my plane I would wait til 20,000 ft and pull the emergency hatch the 30-50 people that would die would be worth ridding the world of this Cum Dumpster of life. I really don’t like here.
2.) Music from Atlanta/Other places:
Stanky Leg- Yes the Butterfly for the crippled people of the world.
Shake that Laffy Taffy and Coffee Shop- Great now I can’t walk into Starbucks or a Candy Store without thinking of Pussy and Crack.
Soulija Boy- I get outta bed turn my Swag on, I think that all the Soulija Boy hate stems from the fact I spent 4 years getting a physics degree when I could spent 10 min writing a rap song on a piece of toilet paper.
Chicken Noddle Soup- Its one of those songs that you hope is a reference to Pussy or Crack but OH NO! its not.
1.) Making the Band – Sending negroes all around NYC to “pay their dues” when everyone knows Diddy got famous by Biggy Smalls’ death. I’m gonna have a show Making the Band 5: Assassinate Diddy. 10 contestants, 10 guns, 1 shot at stardom LITERALLY. Have you watch this shit Danity Kane is down to like two ppl, and Day 26 was either beating the shit out of each other or crying, WHY IS DIDDY RICH.
0.) YOOOUUUUU GUESSED Prince George’s County. I really just do this to make people angry.
DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Bum Fucked
CAUTION :: This is VERY OFFENSIVE! :: CAUTION
Bum Fucked – No to be confused with Bum Fuck (the middle of nowhere) this term is a defined as the attack or trickery of the homeless.
First and for most I understand that especially in today economy anyone even myself could fall under these unfortunate circumstances. I pray for all the homeless crackhead and Enron alike HOWEVER, stop accosting me.
When a person in need is actually having trouble I give without question, when a cracked out zombie runs to my and places an order and expects me to fund it. I do not, why!? because I am not FUCKING McDonald’s.
The early 90’s hip hop group speaks of Mr. Wendal here is a chorus:
Here, have a dollar,in fact no brotherman here, have twoTwo dollars means a snack for me,but it means a big deal to youBe strong, serve God only,know that if you do, beautiful heaven awaitsThat's the poem I wrote for the first timeI saw a man with no clothes, no money, no plateMr.Wendal, that's his name,no one ever knew his name cause he's a no-oneNever thought twice about spending on a ol' bum,until I had the chance to really get to know oneNow that I know him, to give him money isn't charityHe gives me some knowledge, I buy him some shoesAnd to think blacks spend all that money on big colleges,still most of y'all come out confused
Ummmmmm YEA haven’t met Mr. Wendal, maybe he’s the Santa Claus of the underworld.
P.S. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t signed to a record label but:
Two dollars is dinner at McDonald’s or a crate of Ramen, not just a fucking snack, these bums better start bargain hunting, these poor spending habits are never gonna get you shelter.
Two dollars isn’t just a big deal to me IT’S A SERIOUS MATTER, actually I’d stab you for 50 cent.
True Life: I Carry Change (My encounters)
One day before work at my metro stop, This Bitch pulls her rolling bag to the top of the escalator pulls out her bottle of Evian water lubricates her throat and starts begging….It was watching a hobo show-up to work, in her defense her work day started before mine did.
One day in Baltimore “Yo can I borrow some money yeeeaaa I gonna use it to buy a bottle of vodka but atleast I’m honest and Im not greedy once I get this money Imma go get my bottle go straight to the liquor store and I wont bother anyone else today. I gave him change he went to the liquor store and went home (some bridge I assume).
One day on my way to work “Sir please spare me some change so I can get some orange juice to start my day” I paused starred at him my response “Are you serious to better go to the bathroom cup your hands together and drink water like the rest of us.” I’m sorry I pay taxes and have a job WHY SHOULD HE GET MORE VITAMIN C than I do.
One Saturday at a metro stop, waiting for my friends. “Sir, hi I am part of a program for homeless men, have you heard of it? I said, “No” because I didn’t want to lie to the man. He proceeds to go into a 7 min pitch about how if I bought this paper for 2$ he would get a portion of the proceeds and whoever sells more can make more and it’s a whole program dedicated to really help struggling folk sounded legit he definitely had my sympathy, I didn’t have any change he angered, as if I wasted his time. Homeless people need card swipes….I know RUDE!
In Subway for lunch a deaf man handed me a laminated card I didn’t read it. I handed it back to him I said “I’m not reading this” his reply “Fuck you man” my reply “But your deaf” while he was leaving I asked “Hey, I got some posters I need laminated where’d you get yours done?” I know what your thinking I’m shocked I haven’t been stabbed too. The trick is to only be really mean during day light.
Finally last Wednesday, I’m driving to my tutoring session it was beautiful day (problem one) my windows were down (problem two), there was street construction so that caused traffic this caused me to miss the light (problem three), putting me right in front of a chicken carryout, Nice day + windows down + no mobility = Hobo Bait, I blame myself I knew better than this but oh know I had to act brand new. This man using a carpet as a blanket is rapidly approaching my brother, my brother, this nigger is now at my window with his head in my car, Please man can I have a dollar for some fries to go with my chicken. The light turn green I peeled off. My tutoring session was cancelled I had to turn around and run the Gauntlet again….I ran the light.
With that I’m sorry I blame living in D.C.
Don’t You Dare Judge Me!
Bum Fucked – No to be confused with Bum Fuck (the middle of nowhere) this term is a defined as the attack or trickery of the homeless.
First and for most I understand that especially in today economy anyone even myself could fall under these unfortunate circumstances. I pray for all the homeless crackhead and Enron alike HOWEVER, stop accosting me.
When a person in need is actually having trouble I give without question, when a cracked out zombie runs to my and places an order and expects me to fund it. I do not, why!? because I am not FUCKING McDonald’s.
The early 90’s hip hop group speaks of Mr. Wendal here is a chorus:
Here, have a dollar,in fact no brotherman here, have twoTwo dollars means a snack for me,but it means a big deal to youBe strong, serve God only,know that if you do, beautiful heaven awaitsThat's the poem I wrote for the first timeI saw a man with no clothes, no money, no plateMr.Wendal, that's his name,no one ever knew his name cause he's a no-oneNever thought twice about spending on a ol' bum,until I had the chance to really get to know oneNow that I know him, to give him money isn't charityHe gives me some knowledge, I buy him some shoesAnd to think blacks spend all that money on big colleges,still most of y'all come out confused
Ummmmmm YEA haven’t met Mr. Wendal, maybe he’s the Santa Claus of the underworld.
P.S. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t signed to a record label but:
Two dollars is dinner at McDonald’s or a crate of Ramen, not just a fucking snack, these bums better start bargain hunting, these poor spending habits are never gonna get you shelter.
Two dollars isn’t just a big deal to me IT’S A SERIOUS MATTER, actually I’d stab you for 50 cent.
True Life: I Carry Change (My encounters)
One day before work at my metro stop, This Bitch pulls her rolling bag to the top of the escalator pulls out her bottle of Evian water lubricates her throat and starts begging….It was watching a hobo show-up to work, in her defense her work day started before mine did.
One day in Baltimore “Yo can I borrow some money yeeeaaa I gonna use it to buy a bottle of vodka but atleast I’m honest and Im not greedy once I get this money Imma go get my bottle go straight to the liquor store and I wont bother anyone else today. I gave him change he went to the liquor store and went home (some bridge I assume).
One day on my way to work “Sir please spare me some change so I can get some orange juice to start my day” I paused starred at him my response “Are you serious to better go to the bathroom cup your hands together and drink water like the rest of us.” I’m sorry I pay taxes and have a job WHY SHOULD HE GET MORE VITAMIN C than I do.
One Saturday at a metro stop, waiting for my friends. “Sir, hi I am part of a program for homeless men, have you heard of it? I said, “No” because I didn’t want to lie to the man. He proceeds to go into a 7 min pitch about how if I bought this paper for 2$ he would get a portion of the proceeds and whoever sells more can make more and it’s a whole program dedicated to really help struggling folk sounded legit he definitely had my sympathy, I didn’t have any change he angered, as if I wasted his time. Homeless people need card swipes….I know RUDE!
In Subway for lunch a deaf man handed me a laminated card I didn’t read it. I handed it back to him I said “I’m not reading this” his reply “Fuck you man” my reply “But your deaf” while he was leaving I asked “Hey, I got some posters I need laminated where’d you get yours done?” I know what your thinking I’m shocked I haven’t been stabbed too. The trick is to only be really mean during day light.
Finally last Wednesday, I’m driving to my tutoring session it was beautiful day (problem one) my windows were down (problem two), there was street construction so that caused traffic this caused me to miss the light (problem three), putting me right in front of a chicken carryout, Nice day + windows down + no mobility = Hobo Bait, I blame myself I knew better than this but oh know I had to act brand new. This man using a carpet as a blanket is rapidly approaching my brother, my brother, this nigger is now at my window with his head in my car, Please man can I have a dollar for some fries to go with my chicken. The light turn green I peeled off. My tutoring session was cancelled I had to turn around and run the Gauntlet again….I ran the light.
With that I’m sorry I blame living in D.C.
Don’t You Dare Judge Me!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Well I guess it really was “A Serious Matter”
For you to truly understand this story you must first understand the history. Here we go, this is the story of how I met Dylanta (not her real name have to leave out real names in case I actually do make this a book) so I picked Dylanta (if you know what Dylanta is you’d be laughing).
One faithful Elon Saturday in December, I was pre-gamming with some people I met thru a Physics friend. We had to get from Acorn Residents Inn to Sheridan, lets say a mile which was def. walkable but I don’t make good decisions. I offer to drive and I take the back way, now it is here is where logic fails me. I figured the faster I got there the faster I would be off the roads. I get pulled over of course doing 80 in a 55. Now there are MANY reason why I hated being pulled over in Elon,
1. I am a black male.
2. It jacks up my insurance, and consequently gets me cussed out by my father
3. BUT the main reason I hate it is because, you HAVE to go to court (to get it reduced) where is Burlington’s court house….GRAHAM!!!!!!!!! now just to paint you a picture there are only two ways to get to Graham you can either find, Christopher Lloyd, a Delorian (doing 85 set for 1956) and a Flux Capacitor OR your gonna need Jules Verne. Either way your traveling well over 40 years back in time, its like a 50s themed diner that exploded on to the streets. Oh it gets better the officer who pulls me over ALWAYS fucks up my name, it was actually written on the ticket Kyle Williams, I shit you NOT. This name change puts me last in line of the all day affair, its here you can here such amazing cases as the 3 time offender who likes to put cherry bombs in mailboxes.
For these 3 reasons I was enraged, he gave me the ticket, lectured me, and sent me on my way with the peanut gallery in my car who would have left me there if it wasn’t a dark road. We arrive at Sheridan I am sober from fear and anger, and the guys make it there mission to get me drunk, and I see a coven of black women approaching I know two of them and I can smell the Aggie pride off the rest.
SIDENOTE: The reason that this was bad is not because I don’t respect the historic, rewarding education of HBCU, but these ladies were also from YOU GUESSED IT Prince George’s County, I have found that the PG/A&T Hybrid is a unique form of Black person the ghetto, pro-black, PG blood that is already in them is now nurtured and combined with ignorance and PLEDGING EVERYTHING, who has to pledge to be in a Christian service organization JE PHI SUS NOOOOO!!!! PPL! Oh I shit you not cuz “THEY STEP FOR JESUS CHRIST” anyway this blend of Bama and Ignorance makes for Force.
So when you take a PG/A&T Hybrid drunk to boot, with a tired angry Baltimorian you get a Nigger Moment a slight period of time where educated black people channel the inner B.E.T. that haunts us all.
One girl in the group Dylanta was trying to hook up her friend with one of the white guys I was with “Bob” . So she pushes me out of the way and takes him which is fine I just need to know where the rest of the group went. I just try to ask she gives me the “Shoe Fly Wave”, I try again and she goes “Don’t you see us talking” finally I grab Bob and walk away, the conversation goes like this:
ME: You stupid Aggie Hoe, how’s you T-Cell count
Her: Fuck you, you sell out NI99ER
ME: I will take you weave tie it to a fence and stomp you out of it
Her: Faggy boy
ME: Teenage Mutant Aggie Bitch
I am walking away and her friends take her in the opposite direction but before this, a chant is born.
ME: A PG girl is what a lady aint
what a hoodrat wanna be
what a freak-hoe can't
what a nigga like
and a hobo love
what thug-life just can't get enough of
PG you assholes pg PPPPGG
To be continued……
DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!
One faithful Elon Saturday in December, I was pre-gamming with some people I met thru a Physics friend. We had to get from Acorn Residents Inn to Sheridan, lets say a mile which was def. walkable but I don’t make good decisions. I offer to drive and I take the back way, now it is here is where logic fails me. I figured the faster I got there the faster I would be off the roads. I get pulled over of course doing 80 in a 55. Now there are MANY reason why I hated being pulled over in Elon,
1. I am a black male.
2. It jacks up my insurance, and consequently gets me cussed out by my father
3. BUT the main reason I hate it is because, you HAVE to go to court (to get it reduced) where is Burlington’s court house….GRAHAM!!!!!!!!! now just to paint you a picture there are only two ways to get to Graham you can either find, Christopher Lloyd, a Delorian (doing 85 set for 1956) and a Flux Capacitor OR your gonna need Jules Verne. Either way your traveling well over 40 years back in time, its like a 50s themed diner that exploded on to the streets. Oh it gets better the officer who pulls me over ALWAYS fucks up my name, it was actually written on the ticket Kyle Williams, I shit you NOT. This name change puts me last in line of the all day affair, its here you can here such amazing cases as the 3 time offender who likes to put cherry bombs in mailboxes.
For these 3 reasons I was enraged, he gave me the ticket, lectured me, and sent me on my way with the peanut gallery in my car who would have left me there if it wasn’t a dark road. We arrive at Sheridan I am sober from fear and anger, and the guys make it there mission to get me drunk, and I see a coven of black women approaching I know two of them and I can smell the Aggie pride off the rest.
SIDENOTE: The reason that this was bad is not because I don’t respect the historic, rewarding education of HBCU, but these ladies were also from YOU GUESSED IT Prince George’s County, I have found that the PG/A&T Hybrid is a unique form of Black person the ghetto, pro-black, PG blood that is already in them is now nurtured and combined with ignorance and PLEDGING EVERYTHING, who has to pledge to be in a Christian service organization JE PHI SUS NOOOOO!!!! PPL! Oh I shit you not cuz “THEY STEP FOR JESUS CHRIST” anyway this blend of Bama and Ignorance makes for Force.
So when you take a PG/A&T Hybrid drunk to boot, with a tired angry Baltimorian you get a Nigger Moment a slight period of time where educated black people channel the inner B.E.T. that haunts us all.
One girl in the group Dylanta was trying to hook up her friend with one of the white guys I was with “Bob” . So she pushes me out of the way and takes him which is fine I just need to know where the rest of the group went. I just try to ask she gives me the “Shoe Fly Wave”, I try again and she goes “Don’t you see us talking” finally I grab Bob and walk away, the conversation goes like this:
ME: You stupid Aggie Hoe, how’s you T-Cell count
Her: Fuck you, you sell out NI99ER
ME: I will take you weave tie it to a fence and stomp you out of it
Her: Faggy boy
ME: Teenage Mutant Aggie Bitch
I am walking away and her friends take her in the opposite direction but before this, a chant is born.
ME: A PG girl is what a lady aint
what a hoodrat wanna be
what a freak-hoe can't
what a nigga like
and a hobo love
what thug-life just can't get enough of
PG you assholes pg PPPPGG
To be continued……
DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!
Pimps Up Disney Down
“You know its hard out there for Princess, when she trynna get the money for the Palace” That’s right ladies and gents, this blogs topic Disney bitches, the cartoon tramps have been rotting at our social core. Walt Disney was a cracked freak and I am sick of celebrating his smut, keep that shit in the vault. I will prove to you today Walt Disney, was the first PIMP, his influence effects us even today.
Cinderella – This heffa's “Fairy Godmother (with her cape and glitter, just like a Pimp” sends her out to get some Prince (a Trick) to make that money and better have that shit back her by Midnight. But she loses her glass slipper (a Jelly), what women do you know that where plastic see-thru heels at Night, where your Pole at Cindy, Where you Pole.
Belle (Beauty and the Beast) – This hoe got turned out by her own father to go film some freak nasty porn where she fuck a grizzly bear in a suit, AND clearly her and the bear dropped acid cause the Bear had TALKING FURNITURE, excuse me SINGING FURNITURE.
Jasmine – While she may not have been a clear out right hoe, SERIOUSLY first off this gold digger has princes from all around coming to tap that, and she goes out and fucks a BUM, then the BUM in order to sustain this greedy bitch’s Champagne dreams then has to find a fucking Genie, and it still took the movies to get the bitch to marry him.
Sleeping Beauty – Are you serious she spent the entire movie on her back.
Tinkerbell – Drug dealing hoe Pixie dust my ass I know LSD when I see it.
Snow White – This FREAKY bitch shacked with seven midgets, AND STILL left with a different MAN, that more then a train or a triple team, that’s and 8 car locomotive. And what the fuck kind of name is SNOW. Isn’t snow white slang for herion.
Ariel – This girl is essentially naked the entire movie and HOW DOES she get the dick she craves so much????? By losing her voice and shutting the fuck up. That’s a good message for female youth.
Pinocchio - Granted he’s not a women however he’s basically a fucking sex slave he gets brought to life by a shiny blue wand (Ecstasy), then talks to a fucking cricket the whole time whilst Jepeddo taps that.
Lion King – Large black cast takes place where? Africa, who dies James Earl Jones, and Whoopi Goldberg, who lives the white voice overs.
Land Before Time – I got nothing, BUT WHY IN THE HELL ARE THERE SO FUCKING MANY REALLY ICE AGE had come and gone by Land Before Time 3, FUCK YOU LITTLE FOOT.
This rant was first inacted July 3, 2008 on the Red Line metro to Shady Grove, the car I was on applauded when it was over.
I also don’t like E.T.
DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!
Cinderella – This heffa's “Fairy Godmother (with her cape and glitter, just like a Pimp” sends her out to get some Prince (a Trick) to make that money and better have that shit back her by Midnight. But she loses her glass slipper (a Jelly), what women do you know that where plastic see-thru heels at Night, where your Pole at Cindy, Where you Pole.
Belle (Beauty and the Beast) – This hoe got turned out by her own father to go film some freak nasty porn where she fuck a grizzly bear in a suit, AND clearly her and the bear dropped acid cause the Bear had TALKING FURNITURE, excuse me SINGING FURNITURE.
Jasmine – While she may not have been a clear out right hoe, SERIOUSLY first off this gold digger has princes from all around coming to tap that, and she goes out and fucks a BUM, then the BUM in order to sustain this greedy bitch’s Champagne dreams then has to find a fucking Genie, and it still took the movies to get the bitch to marry him.
Sleeping Beauty – Are you serious she spent the entire movie on her back.
Tinkerbell – Drug dealing hoe Pixie dust my ass I know LSD when I see it.
Snow White – This FREAKY bitch shacked with seven midgets, AND STILL left with a different MAN, that more then a train or a triple team, that’s and 8 car locomotive. And what the fuck kind of name is SNOW. Isn’t snow white slang for herion.
Ariel – This girl is essentially naked the entire movie and HOW DOES she get the dick she craves so much????? By losing her voice and shutting the fuck up. That’s a good message for female youth.
Pinocchio - Granted he’s not a women however he’s basically a fucking sex slave he gets brought to life by a shiny blue wand (Ecstasy), then talks to a fucking cricket the whole time whilst Jepeddo taps that.
Lion King – Large black cast takes place where? Africa, who dies James Earl Jones, and Whoopi Goldberg, who lives the white voice overs.
Land Before Time – I got nothing, BUT WHY IN THE HELL ARE THERE SO FUCKING MANY REALLY ICE AGE had come and gone by Land Before Time 3, FUCK YOU LITTLE FOOT.
This rant was first inacted July 3, 2008 on the Red Line metro to Shady Grove, the car I was on applauded when it was over.
I also don’t like E.T.
DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Hold my shit Bitch
First off let me start with this statement I think men should be allowed to carry handbags.
Weird yes, but bare with me I have a story. I was Christmas shopping at Ballston Mall I was parked there for 45 minutes mind you. Now, I’m still not use to living in NOVA/DC where you have to pay for everything air, toilet paper, etc. So I just kind of sucked it up, and proceeded to park in the garage. Upon leaving I get to the booth to pay so I can leave and I hand the woman my credit card to pay. She then starts shaking her head and says no card, no card. I then say, “Okay, okay well I don’t have any cash how do we solve this problem.” She then mutters something in her native tong “Click Click” and then says “You can write a check .” I start looking for my check book I then ask well how much is it. THIS BITCH says “A Dollar”….I give the stankest look and yell, “A DOLLAR, YOU WANT ME TO WRITE A CHECK FOR A DOLLAR” because this is the only place on earth without a card swipe, even hookers have card swipes this ain’t fucking Bedrock, this fucking medieval shopping mall, (a horn beeps I flip off the driver). I couldn’t find my check book I found four quarters gave them to the woman and yelled, “YOUR WELCOME Click, Click”. Now, I know technically I was at fault, but I will not have judge b y some minimum wage booth jockey, with two gold teeth (which I call Mouth Bling). HOW DARE SHE.
But what bothered me most about this trip was I never found my check book. I started thinking I wish I could keep my check book with me, as well as my phone, ipod, camera, gum, switchblade, on me at all times. I want a handbag No Homo, I think it’s an awesome invention, and its utter bullshit that I have to shove all this shit into my pockets. And going through airport security I gotta unload all my shit into a tray. We can even make it thug.
Examples: Instead of purses call them glocks: “Yo watch my glock while I go to the bathroom” or get classy with it, have your purse match your gun holster, I’m not saying go all out I just want one to hold all my shit so I don’t keys and change bang against my dick and balls with each step I take. I like vagina and I like women but I just think for practical reasons men should get purses.
Not my best rant, it was better when I was drunk off the Fish Eye, but shit happens.
DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME.
Weird yes, but bare with me I have a story. I was Christmas shopping at Ballston Mall I was parked there for 45 minutes mind you. Now, I’m still not use to living in NOVA/DC where you have to pay for everything air, toilet paper, etc. So I just kind of sucked it up, and proceeded to park in the garage. Upon leaving I get to the booth to pay so I can leave and I hand the woman my credit card to pay. She then starts shaking her head and says no card, no card. I then say, “Okay, okay well I don’t have any cash how do we solve this problem.” She then mutters something in her native tong “Click Click” and then says “You can write a check .” I start looking for my check book I then ask well how much is it. THIS BITCH says “A Dollar”….I give the stankest look and yell, “A DOLLAR, YOU WANT ME TO WRITE A CHECK FOR A DOLLAR” because this is the only place on earth without a card swipe, even hookers have card swipes this ain’t fucking Bedrock, this fucking medieval shopping mall, (a horn beeps I flip off the driver). I couldn’t find my check book I found four quarters gave them to the woman and yelled, “YOUR WELCOME Click, Click”. Now, I know technically I was at fault, but I will not have judge b y some minimum wage booth jockey, with two gold teeth (which I call Mouth Bling). HOW DARE SHE.
But what bothered me most about this trip was I never found my check book. I started thinking I wish I could keep my check book with me, as well as my phone, ipod, camera, gum, switchblade, on me at all times. I want a handbag No Homo, I think it’s an awesome invention, and its utter bullshit that I have to shove all this shit into my pockets. And going through airport security I gotta unload all my shit into a tray. We can even make it thug.
Examples: Instead of purses call them glocks: “Yo watch my glock while I go to the bathroom” or get classy with it, have your purse match your gun holster, I’m not saying go all out I just want one to hold all my shit so I don’t keys and change bang against my dick and balls with each step I take. I like vagina and I like women but I just think for practical reasons men should get purses.
Not my best rant, it was better when I was drunk off the Fish Eye, but shit happens.
DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Typical Thursday
Sooooo as a sit here watching grey’s anatomy, I am angered because art dictates life and if anyone in my family were in surgery why to fucking divorcees are having a fucking “Scalpel off (stand off)” I would fuck them up to the point where they both would need surgery….then I would pull the fire alarm during there surgery so they could see what its like.
BUUUTTT I digress the real reason I am here is because my friend suggested I blog, and as I sit here drinking my bottle of “Fish Eye Riesling” my dumb ass listened to her. I know I know Whitney stop drinking. But I tutor this kid though and he is actually kinda cool and smart. However, he takes joy out of FUCKING with me….no bullshit this kid went our entire session trying to speak to me in Spanish. In that hour he said adios senorita, pretending he didn’t know senorita meant lady. And every time I go to tutor him he never has homework and then magically 20 minutes into it he finds like 8 worksheets. And this one time I’m outside his house at the door and I could smell chicken frying (NORMALLY I don’t follow stereotypes, I’m from inner city Baltimore and I have a Physics degree, I have a Physics Degree and I do and continue to do THE dumbest shit, I have borderline alcoholism as well as multiple borderline mental disorders: according to the DSM IV but I have a security clearance, and finally I’m an insensitive asshole but have awesome friends and are still making new ones) all this to say I don’t fit stereotypes BUT when it comes to fried chicken…BLACKNESS CONFIRMED. Anyhow I enter the house to find this child has left PRE-COOKED chicken unattended in a POT of HOT grease, this is a South East D.C. home i.e. NO SMOKE DETECTORS, NO SPRINKLER SYSTEM and TRUST THE FIRE DEPARTMENT WILL TAKE THERE TIME….its shit like this why I drink but I actually like this kid reminds me of me, only I knew how to cook.
I live with some of the coolest white people ever like for serious awesome. But in this time I have learned how ghetto and hoodrat this race is…..my sliding pantry door is off its track but kept on, by what you ask a heinkein bottle cap that has been hammered into the floor. My refrigerator shelf has been replaced, MacGuyver-ed, Nigger Rigged, by an origami creation of black Duct tape, and then there is just a random Hole in the ceiling I dunno it was just there one day. All of us have lost our security deposits to THE OTHER problems of the house like my landlord addiction to coke and or crystal meth I don’t know the difference these are “White Drugs” as my father would say.
Finally I use my Iron board as my night stand, coffee filters as my Kleenex, a Sharpe as my shoe polish, and in writing this I have almost finished that bottle of Riesling…..this is my first Blog attempt.
DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME
BUUUTTT I digress the real reason I am here is because my friend suggested I blog, and as I sit here drinking my bottle of “Fish Eye Riesling” my dumb ass listened to her. I know I know Whitney stop drinking. But I tutor this kid though and he is actually kinda cool and smart. However, he takes joy out of FUCKING with me….no bullshit this kid went our entire session trying to speak to me in Spanish. In that hour he said adios senorita, pretending he didn’t know senorita meant lady. And every time I go to tutor him he never has homework and then magically 20 minutes into it he finds like 8 worksheets. And this one time I’m outside his house at the door and I could smell chicken frying (NORMALLY I don’t follow stereotypes, I’m from inner city Baltimore and I have a Physics degree, I have a Physics Degree and I do and continue to do THE dumbest shit, I have borderline alcoholism as well as multiple borderline mental disorders: according to the DSM IV but I have a security clearance, and finally I’m an insensitive asshole but have awesome friends and are still making new ones) all this to say I don’t fit stereotypes BUT when it comes to fried chicken…BLACKNESS CONFIRMED. Anyhow I enter the house to find this child has left PRE-COOKED chicken unattended in a POT of HOT grease, this is a South East D.C. home i.e. NO SMOKE DETECTORS, NO SPRINKLER SYSTEM and TRUST THE FIRE DEPARTMENT WILL TAKE THERE TIME….its shit like this why I drink but I actually like this kid reminds me of me, only I knew how to cook.
I live with some of the coolest white people ever like for serious awesome. But in this time I have learned how ghetto and hoodrat this race is…..my sliding pantry door is off its track but kept on, by what you ask a heinkein bottle cap that has been hammered into the floor. My refrigerator shelf has been replaced, MacGuyver-ed, Nigger Rigged, by an origami creation of black Duct tape, and then there is just a random Hole in the ceiling I dunno it was just there one day. All of us have lost our security deposits to THE OTHER problems of the house like my landlord addiction to coke and or crystal meth I don’t know the difference these are “White Drugs” as my father would say.
Finally I use my Iron board as my night stand, coffee filters as my Kleenex, a Sharpe as my shoe polish, and in writing this I have almost finished that bottle of Riesling…..this is my first Blog attempt.
DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME
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